Have you ever been afraid? Have you ever had that feeling that something bad is about to happen? If you have, imagine that on a constant basis. This is how those of us living with anxiety feel.
For those of you unsure of what I am talking about let me enlighten you. Anxiety is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
According to the APA, Anxiety is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry. They may also have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, dizziness or a rapid heartbeat.
Anxiety Disorder Statistics. Anxiety Disorders affect 18.1 percent of adults in the United States (approximately 40 million adults between the ages of 18 to 54). - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
Now that we have gotten through the education part of this article now it is time for some experience.
I never knew what was wrong with me. It started one day when I was in high school. I felt really odd and I was terrified. Was I having a heart attack at 16? I had heard about people dying young from these before. Was there something that was missed during a checkup? All I knew for sure is that my heart was going 90 miles an hour and I was hot and sweaty. It passed after a few minutes and I just didn't think about it again. This happened very seldom after that or maybe I just didn't pay much attention to it. Maybe because I smoking cigarettes and self medicating all the time I never noticed it.
Fast forward about ten years. I had quit smoking, drinking, and doing any drugs. All of the sudden this monster rose its ugly head one more time. All I was doing was sitting there watching TV and I couldn't breath. Now by this time I has put on some weight so I was more convinced this could be some type of heart issue. I was once again sweating with my heart beating like it was trying to win the Daytona 500. This time I also just try to let it pass and it does. Two hours later here we go again. This happened for a full day every couple hours.
At this point I am super scared and I call my doctor. They have me come in and they run the normal tests that they would for someone having a heart attack and everything there was good. So now I am stumped as to why I am feeling how I do. The doctor comes back in and hands me a small booklet that has anxiety, in big bold letters, on the front. I take a look at it and think "could this be me?"
I had heard of panic attacks and anxiety before but I didn't think something like this would happen to me. I was one of those people who said "Calm down" "Stop worrying so much" "It is all in your head". I was one of the people who put a stigma on people who were slightly different. Now here I was on that side of the fence. I couldn't believe it. I was no longer normal. I was broken. I wanted to hide it. The more I tried to hide it the worse it got.
It got so bad that I let it affect my life in many ways. It made me grumpy all of the time and hard to deal with. It made me short tempered and cost me relationships with friends and significant others. Hiding the fact that I was suffering from anxiety was really the worst thing I could do.
I am now more open to letting people know that I am living with anxiety. Some people understand, some people don't, and some people try to understand but can't wrap their head around it. For many years I felt all alone. Then once I started speaking about my issue I found that many people felt the same way.
The entire point of writing this is in hopes that someone will read this and realize they are not alone. I want people to know there are a lot of resources out there to help them cope. There is a fine line between suffering from anxiety and living with it.
This is just a little glimpse into the experience of one asshole living with anxiety. If you are someone trying to hide it because you feel it makes you less of a person or that people will think less of you because of this, there is a whole community out there of people willing to support you.
